


Perfection

by Borealis_Strange



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-10-01 17:44:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20354977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Borealis_Strange/pseuds/Borealis_Strange
Summary: Freddie just wanted to be thinner.To be loved.To be the most beautiful.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's translated for you my friends

Freddie was on the couch in the apartment he shared with his friends.

"He should have arrived" he thought again and again.

She was waiting for his boyfriend to go out to eat together, he was supposed to arrive at noon, but it was almost five.

"Did something happen to him? Did he get lost? He doesn't love me anymore?" Those questions tormented his mind.

He didn't want to admit it, but he really didn't want to be alone again. None of his relationships worked and he had enough. He was tired of no one loving him as passionately as he always did. That everything always ends badly. That he would lose out by sticking too much. Why did nobody want it? Did it have something wrong?

The bell distracted him from his worries and he got up to open the door.

He was going to receive Peter with great enthusiasm but the seriousness of the other stopped him. He knew exactly what was going to happen.

\- Are going to come in? - Freddie said with remarkable nervousness in his voice.

– No –Peter said seriously.–I have to talk to you– Freddie kept his tears from flowing. – Look you're very kind and everything but I don't think you're my type –

\- Your type? - The voice trembled to Freddie by the lump in the throat that was forming. He wanted to cry so badly but he avoided it, he couldn't show weakness.

– If you were thinner and less talkative, I would give you another chance - With that it was wrong. He was fat Roger had already told him a couple of times, but he always ignored it (although it always hurt) "They're right, I should lose weight." The silence grew between the two men. - I'm going. You do well - He turned around and left.

Freddie slowly closed the door, unable to believe what had just happened.

He lay down on the sofa and let his tears flow freely.

The same thing always happened. No one wanted it. Everyone ended up leaving.

"If you were thinner" That phrase rumbled in his conscience.

♥ ️

Freddie didn't even notice when he fell asleep until he heard the laughs of his friends in the hallway.

\- Freddie! We brought pizza! - Roger yelled as he entered the apartment.

–Roger, how many times have I told you that it is not necessary to shout?–Brian followed behind carrying the boxes and leaving them in the kitchen.

Freddie didn't realize how hungry he was until he entered the kitchen and felt the smell of food. He hadn't eaten anything since breakfast because he was waiting for his - now ex-boyfriend.

The boys began to eat quietly between laughter and stupid questions. That's why Freddie loved his friends, they always made him feel better in his worst moments.

Freddie stretched a little, revealing the lower part of his abdomen.

\- Hell Freddie - Roger said as he playfully pinched his stomach. Freddie pulled away quickly and covered his stomach with his arms. - If you keep eating like this we will have to roll you on stage. - He said with a laugh.

So it was true. He was getting fat. He knew he wasn't exercising but every time he could he did it. He didn't have much time between college and recording their first album. Maybe he was eating a little more at dinner but it was because he didn't always have time to eat in the afternoon.

-Roger do not bother him - Brian said tired of always having to get his attention - Freddie is not fat. You two eat exactly the same -

\- Yes, but I have a fast metabolism - Brian rolled his eyes at the absurd excuse.

\- Freddie don't worry he is just try to bother you - Freddie nodded and got up.

\- Come on, friend. It wasn't even that much - Roger exclaimed seeing his partner walk away.

\- It's not just that ... - Freddie felt a lump in his throat - I just remembered that he have a work to do- and quickly locked himself in his room.

His room could be small but at least it was cozy; with its posters, photographs and lights; the walls painted a grayish tone.

He took off his shirt and approached his full-length mirror; he carefully examined himself. Maybe the others were right and should lose some weight.

He grabbed his stomach.

"Look how much fat" he thought.

He was definitely fat. Everyone thought about it. His friends, his ex-boyfriends, even his sister had commented on his weight.

Deep down he knew they did it to annoy but what if people didn't want it for that. People like beautiful and thin people, not like him who was disgusting for gaining weight.

He went to bed determined to lose weight, so everyone would love him: his friends, his family, even men. He would be on a diet. From now on, no more junk food for him! He would be as thin as Brian or Deaky. Everyone would envy him for his thinness. And with that thought he went to sleep.

It would be beautiful once and for all.

\-----

"Freddie, are you going to have breakfast?" - Deaky's voice woke him up the next morning. Freddie considered it for a moment; If he wanted to lose weight he had to skip breakfast. Everyone had classes at different times, so he could easily avoid them.

\- Don't worry Deaky - He said as he left his room - I will eat something along the way - John looked at him somewhat worried but did not go around the matter many times.

He finished getting ready and went out to wait for the bus.

"I will make a plan to have better control of what I do," he thought.

So it was.

During class, he didn't pay attention because he was writing down everything he would do to lose weight in a small notebook.

I will not have breakfast.

I will exercise morning and afternoon.

I will not eat junk food and if I do I'll do twice as much exercise.

My friends can't find out.

I will write down my weight every night.

Yes. It was the perfect plan. Soon he would be beautiful and slim as everyone wanted it to be.


	2. More work to do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freddie was getting good with his weight loss routine, but ... There is still more work to do

It had been three days and Freddie was getting good at his routine. Every morning he would wake up earlier to go for a run, when he returned he simply took a shower and went to college. His friends asked him where he was going every morning, he simply told them that he was running and he ate something along the way - which was a lie - so they did not worry that he wasn't eating anything in the house. Every night he weighed himself but it seemed that the numbers did not go down fast enough. He needed something else.

In the cafeteria of his school he was thinking what he could do to lose more weight.

A girl in his class approached to him, he didn't know her much but he had talked to her a couple of times, she was very thin - Freddie envied her for that - with long curly brown hair.

\- What are you doing? - Asked while snatching his notebook. Freddie tried to recover it but when he did it was already too late, she had already read everything. – You want to lose weight, don't you?– Freddie nodded doubtfully.–You're doing pretty well. You do the same as I do. You just need to skip more meals–

\- I can't - He said in a whisper.

–Why not?–she asked, getting closer to him.

\- My friends will suspect. I don't want them to know–

– Purge – Said the girl as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

–Excuse me! –he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Purging to lose weight? He had never heard anything like it.

\- Yes! It's too easy. Just put two fingers in your throat. Your friends will not worry because you don't eat and you lose weight - Freddie was thinking for a moment, he was not sure that was the best option - I leave you with my advice, I hope it helps you - she said as she stood up - Goodbye. Oh, by the way, I'm Rachel - And left Freddie alone.

The return home was a bit slow but at least he had time to think what Rachel said. Sounds good but … he hated when he was sick and vomited, he wouldn't do it on purpose.

Freddie desperately wanted to be like his friends but this was already too much for him. Although sometimes he came home later, so he could skip lunch, dinner would be the problem since they usually ate dinner together. Later he would fix that.

\----

Freddie collapsed on the floor after finishing his abs; He was breathing heavily. He had worked nonstop for an hour. His muscles ached and he was exhausted.

"That's good," he thought. "If my body hurts, it means I'm doing well."

He got up from the ground with some work. During the last days he was feeling severe dizziness and headaches, but he always ignored them. He stood in front of his mirror and lifted his shirt.

His stomach wasn't nearly as big as it had been before, it makes him proud, but he still had work to do. He pinched his stomach. "If I can pinch, I can lose it." He pushed his stomach to its limit. "That's how thin I have to be" once it gets there it would stop everything. There would be no problem he can do it, and so everyone will be happy.

Freddie was doing well on his way to perfection.

\----

\- Freddie. Are you all right?–Deaky asked quite worried. Freddie looked up from the food and met three pairs of eyes watching him closely.–You haven't touched your food.–

\- It's just that I feel a little sick - which was partially true, he didn't want to eat but his head was also killing him. - I think I'd better get some rest before going to the studio - The boys looked at him worried while Freddie was heading to his room.

Upon arrival he lay down on his bed. He was very tired from the exercise he did every day, but it was still missing, he still needed to be thinner.

"I'm sure I'm tired of all this fat" was what was always said.

\----

In the study, his head was worse than before, he had managed to get some sleep - not like at night - but everything got worse there. The lights bothered him and the noise stunned him, he wasn't sure he could sing.

\- Freddie! - His three friends called him in unison.

\- We've been calling you - Roger said. - You look a little tired, do you want us to stop? -

\- No, I'm fine guys - Freddie said, resting importance. - We can continue–

\- In that case, it's your turn - Freddie stopped slowly and staggered to the cabin.

His friends noticed this, how not to do it, during the last days Freddie looked more tired, besides he complained of headaches and looked sick. The fatigue could blame the university, but their pain and appearance did not know what it was. He had always been a healthy boy who rarely got sick, now he seemed quite the opposite. Something was happening to Fred and they had to know.

\- Very good Fred. Now you can start singing - Roger said from the microphone when Freddie was already in position and pressed the button to start recording.

Freddie just stood there doing nothing, looked lost and disoriented. Roger, seeing that he was doing nothing, stopped recording.

\- Fred - He spoke again on the microphone - You have to sing -

\- Em ... yes ... yes ... I'm coming - Freddie reacted. For a moment he forgot what the lyrics were or what song he was recording - what song are we doing? - The others looked at each other surprised. Freddie was attentive all the time when they recorded, he paid attention to every detail and was disturbed if something did not go as he wanted.

\- We're recording My fairy king. Do not remember?-

\- I was distracted for a moment. But now ... I'll do it right -

During the next hour they failed to advance with the song. Freddie forgot the lyrics, he was constantly wrong, and he didn't sing very well. He didn't look like the real Freddie. He lacked the energy and passion that characterizes him.

\- Fred, we better finish later. Brian called over the microphone. – His friend was trying too hard and they didn't get anywhere. Freddie looked tired and it would be best if he rested a little.

\- No. No. I can still, I almost got it. - Freddie refused to rest. He could sing, he wasn't useless. He did not want to have come was a waste to others.

\- No Fred. You are tired. You can't continue like this -

After a while they managed to convince him that they will return home. Freddie was very upset about this - not with them - but with him. His friends didn't look angry but he knew they were.

He had wasted their time, he was useless. A waste.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how to feel about this chapter.  
Tw: purging

Freddie deep down knew that what he was doing was wrong, but he didn't want to stop. He couldn't. Besides he had everything under control, he could stop whenever he wanted, when he was already satisfied with the body he had. I still didn't make it, but I would soon have the perfect body.

In the nights it became increasingly difficult to sleep, he was always alone with his thoughts. Sometimes he listened when Brian and Roger went to a bar together and returned. In an early morning he heard a conversation between John and Roger when they returned from having gone to drink a little.

–Haven't you noticed Freddie something weird? - John asked Roger. "No no no." Freddie thought "You can't find out yet, they're going to laugh." He got up from the bed being careful not to make noise and stuck his ear to the door. He knew that spying was bad but he was genuinely curious to know what they said about him. To know if I was on the right track.

\- I've only noticed him tired - Roger replied.

\- He seems to want to lose weight - John sounded worried.

\- Do you think? If so, I'm glad for him -  
"They've found out!?" - He was turning into a pig - He said while laughing. Freddie bit his lip to avoid crying. Roger didn't sound drunk, so he wasn't kidding, I really thought so.

\- Don't talk like that about Freddie -

\- Don't lie Deaky. You know he was already eating a lot. So, don't deny it, you know it's true - Roger sounded a bit annoyed.

\- Well ... yes, he was getting a little fat but it's not that bad - Deaky also thought he was a fat man. He had heard enough.

He went slowly to his bed. He was a pig, he lacked a lot to reach perfection. He bit his blanket to keep them from hearing his sobs.

What he was doing was not bad, he just wanted to be thinner. Finally he had another motivation to lose weight.

\-----

\- Welcome! - Roger shouted when they reached the house of a friend of his. They had only invited him but decided to take his other friends. Freddie didn't want to be a party for all the people who would judge him, but he ended up coming to take suspicion from his friends and see that he had no problem.

The party was small unlike others they had gone to and seemed to be in full swing, with most of the people invited there already. As soon as they entered Roger left with a group of friends.

Freddie felt very uncomfortable, he hardly knew anyone and felt that everyone was judging him silently.

A boy approached Brian and took him somewhere else.

\- I guess it's just you and me - Deaky said with a smile, while looking for a comfortable place to sit - Are you okay? You look tense -

\- It's just that ... - He answered looking at the people around - I don't know anyone - as they didn't find any place they ended up sitting on the floor.

\- My job is to be shy Freddie, not yours! - He said in a failed attempt to make his friend laugh, he just gave him a small smile.

This was very rare from his friend.

Freddie never cared if he didn't know anyone, he just made new friends. He was always the life of the party with Roger, always singing and trying to get attention. Perhaps the most outgoing people even get nervous.

John did his best to make his friend feel better. He talked about different topics.. When John started talking about the album, Freddie regained that brightness that characterizes him so much when he talked about his plans for the future. Passion and enthusiasm were noticeable when he talked about upcoming albums, about so many costumes he would wear in his concerts, how they would travel all over the world and everyone would love them. John, despite having heard him a thousand times to say the same thing, never got tired of listening to him. John was glad that his friend was the same as ever, cheerful and passionate about everything he did. Maybe he had nothing wrong, he had only been tired for the past few weeks.

Their conversation was interrupted by the party organizer announced the food.

\- That's good. - John exclaimed as he stood up - I'm starving -

\- Me too– Even though he really wanted to eat something, he could only think about the calories in a single slice of pizza. He still couldn't count the calories like Rachel did.

When John and Freddie took their slice they sat back on the floor. Freddie saw it with disgust. He could not eat, he would spoil all his work. He had not eaten anything all day, he was very hungry. It looked very tempting.

He took a deep breath and took a bite. It was so delicious. He had not eaten anything decent in the last three weeks and this felt like a gift from the gods; but a part of him told him that he should not eat, that he did not deserve it. At the time he didn't care about his stomach asking for more, so he got up with John and they went for more.

–I'm glad you're eating something Freddie,– said John while he was eating his second slice.

-

Freddie looked at his plate and grumbled. John had left with Roger a few minutes ago leaving him alone with his thoughts. "I ate too much" he felt like crying. "I'm going to get fat." He was really disgusted with himself. All his efforts to lose weight, and he had thrown it all in one night. "I'm going to get fatter, I have to get it out of me"

In desperation he remembered Rachel's words: "Purge. Your friends don't worry because you don't eat and you lose weight." "If I do that, I can solve all my problems with food, I could eat with others and they will no longer suspect." Freddie thought.

He got up and walked in search of the bathroom. He was looking down and avoiding colliding with other people. When he finally found the bathroom he entered and locked the door securely so as not to be disturbed.

"What did he have to do?" He thought as he approached the toilet. "Two fingers in the throat and everything ends" began in front of this.

He swallow and came closer. Two fingers inside.

One two. Three. Nothing. Just cough.

Again.

Nothing.

A third time. Nothing. More cough

He couldn't. The tears began to flow. Even for this he was useless. He hated his body, he didn't want all that damn fat. He started scratching his stomach with despair, he wanted all the fat to go away. For this he needs to take action.

He rinsed his tears and took a deep breath. Before he thought about it more, he put two fingers in his throat as deep as he could. Before he could remove his hand he was already vomiting, getting to dirty the edge of the toilet, his mouth and his hand.

When he was sure he was done, he sat in front of the toilet, dropping his head on the wall. He could not believe what had just happened. It wasn't as bad as he thought, just uncomfortable.

He grabbed some paper to clean up the mess he had made, put the paper in the cup and let the toilet take all the evidence.

He searched the cabinets under the sink for something that would help him remove the smell. He only found a perfume, that was enough. He sprayed perfume all over the bathroom and on it a bit on him, and left it where he found it.

He washed his hands and face, and rinsed his mouth a little. He looked in the mirror. He looked tired.

And again he went to the party as if nothing had happened.


	4. Chapter 4

The weeks kept going. Every day Freddie fed as little as possible and when he did he returned everything. The only times he ate something was before recording, that gave him a little energy to sing. His friends kept suspecting that there was something wrong with him but they failed to decipher it. Freddie did everyday things, dined with them, sang; although more of them were isolated every day, when they tried to talk to him or go for a drink he always refused "I have homework" "I'm tired" "I'm busy" were the excuses of every day. The only place where he really was him was in the studio, although he no longer participated so much but always sang with great passion.

-

Freddie looked in the mirror.

Fat.

Every action he did was accompanied by that word.

Fat.

His ribs already showed.

Fat.

According to him he wasn't thin.

Fat.

According to him, his legs were still as thick, his cheeks - even though his cheekbones were marked as never - they were just as chubby, his arms just as fat. According to him, he had not made any progress.

And not to mention his stomach, according to him, was much larger than before, because he had just taken a binge. Despite vomiting, he still felt guilty.

Do you remember how handsome you used to be? a voice inside him told him.  
You have ruined everything, as always.

"I got rid of the food, I threw up everything"

Is not enough. Do you think that crying you can lose weight. Run now.

Freddie wiped away his tears, dressed in his sportswear and left his room. Before leaving the apartment he heard a voice.

\- Where are you going? - It was Roger in the living room. Roger returns earlier than the others on Tuesdays.

\- Outside - Freddie replied without turning to see him.

\- What are you going to do? -

\- Nothing - he still didn't turn around.

– Didn't you have class until later?– -

\- They were canceled - Lie. All he told them were lies.

\- Are you going to play sports? -

-What is this? An interrogation? –Freddie almost shouted. Finally he turned to see his face.

\- I just asked - Roger said surprised Freddie's attitude. Freddie rolled his eyes and left the apartment.

He had enough of this, they will always ask him if he already ate, where he is going, he was always asked everything he did. Deep down he knew it was because they care about him.

He walked a couple of blocks until he reached the park where he always ran. He warmed up a bit and started running on the track. As soon as he started running, he felt his legs burn and feel weak. He ignored this and kept running.

After a few minutes he felt he could no longer continue, his chest was burning just like his legs.

"I can't stop. I can't stop" was the only thing that kept him standing.

"If I stop I won't make it. If I stop I will be fat. Nobody wants fat people."

Under the rhythm of his trot. He was short of breath, he couldn't breathe. His vision became blurred and he saw his world revolve around him. He still kept jogging. His body couldn't take it anymore until he collapsed in the path of stones.

A man who was walking around saw Freddie faint on the road. At first he thought he had just stumbled but when he saw that he did not get up he went to see what had happened to him.

He sat beside Freddie's body and turned it carefully so that it was face up. He confirmed that he was still breathing when he saw that his chest was going down and up slowly. The man wasn't a doctor, he didn't know what to do, but he wasn't going to leave him there either.

He carefully lifted his body - it was strange that he was so light - and laid it on the grass so that it was not on the stones. He sat next to him, hoping he would wake up.

After a few seconds - what seemed like hours - Freddie opened his eyes. The boy could finally breathe with relief. Freddie didn't remember what had happened, he was running and at one moment he was lying on grass with a complete stranger by his side.

\- Are you all right? - asked the stranger genuinely worried. His voice was sweet and gentle, it made Freddie feel safe by his side. - Do you want water? -

-What? What happened? - Freddie asked trying to sit down. His head was killing him. The man took a bottle of water out of his backpack and offered it to Freddie. Freddie took it and drank a little

\- You were running and you passed out - Freddie growled, not because of the comment, but because of his dizziness.

The boy began to search his backpack until he took out a small wooden box.

\- Probably you just had low pressure- He opened the box revealing butter cookies of different figures - You should eat some sugar - and brought the box to Freddie to take one.

Freddie just looked at the box. He could not eat cookies, the cookies had many calories. But he couldn't refuse her either, the boy had been very kind to him and it would be rude to refuse his food. Freddie just looked at the box with the hope that the boy saw that he didn't want to eat.

\- Come on take it without fear - To show that they had nothing, he grabbed one and took a bite - See? They have nothing - He said with a smile.

Freddie ended up accepting one. He grabbed her with a trembling hand. He saw the boy and gave him a nervous smile. And finally he took a bite. He could feel the calories "swim" in his mouth. Freddie wanted to spit the cookie and get out of there.

\- Did you like them? - Asked the boy, looking very happy that someone ate their desserts. Freddie couldn't say no to those beautiful brown eyes.  
Although Freddie found it repulsive to eat sweet things, he had to admit that if they were delicious, probably the best cookies he had ever tasted.

–Yes – Freddie said as he finished his cookie - They are very good - The boy smiled in relief - Did you make them? - Asked trying to make some talk and avoid running out to vomit; It was the least that could be done.

–Yes – He said very proud of his work– I know that the confectionery is not a "men" thing but it is something I really enjoy - Freddie took another cookie without realizing it. - In fact, I work here nearby in a cafeteria. In case ... you would like to visit me - said the boy looking at the floor, not very sure of his words. Freddie blushed slightly.

\- Em ... yes. I think that would be fine - Freddie said nervously. There was a silence, not uncomfortable but a relaxing silence. They barely knew each other but both felt happy and comfortable in each other's presence. The silence lasted a few more minutes.

\- I better go - Said the boy while collecting his things - I have to work - He got up. He held out his hand to Freddie to help him up. He got up with some work - even with the boy's help - the stranger noticed how thin his wrist was but said nothing about it. Freddie stared at the boy's gaze. They both looked sweetly until Freddie looked away somewhat embarrassed.

\- You haven't told me your name - Freddie said looking at the floor.

–Jim,– Freddie smiled.

–Freddie.– He looked into his eyes. Jim came over to say goodbye with a kiss on the cheek. Freddie blushed more.

\- See you soon - Jim said and walked away.

Freddie felt his heart pounding in his chest. Jim was very cute.

-

John was still very worried about his friend, every day he looked more tired and none of the three managed to decipher what happened to him. They assumed that it was only the fatigue of the university and his first album, but that did not explain why his clothes looked bigger every time or because he no longer wanted to be with them.

John one day returned early from school since the last hour was canceled. He did not give it more importance, he just returned home calmly and happy that ,that Friday he was free. He assumed that there was no one in the apartment until three o'clock, but upon entering the kitchen he could not help noticing on the table had various wrappers of sweets and food, as well as several tuppers where also used to be food. The refrigerator was poorly closed and some of the shelves were also open. He closed them a little surprised, it seemed that someone had ransacked his kitchen. He heard a noise in the bathroom, as if someone had tripped.

He approached the bathroom and saw that the door was ajar, when he looked out he saw Freddie standing in front of the toilet. John was going to get his attention but he watched as Freddie put two fingers in his throat and vomit. John was scared to see this. Why would Freddie do something like that? I was not sick. Clearly he had caused that vomiting.

John backed away and locked himself in his room before Freddie knew he was there. Not knowing what to do. " Should I say something to Freddie or tell others ". What he had seen was something he could not believe. That was not Freddie. Freddie would never do something like that, would he?


	5. Chapter 5

John was not calm the weekend, he could not even see Freddie in the eyes after seeing him vomiting. Maybe that's why he looked so thin. He didn't know what to do. It seemed that the only thing that comforted him in moments of anxiety was the food.

After many hours of spinning around - and many sweets - he thought it would be best to talk that night.

John approached Freddie's door, he wasn't sure that that was the best option, but he had no choice. He knocked softly on the door.

-What do you want? - Freddie's voice was heard from inside.

\- I'm Jonh, can I talk to you? -

–Not now Deaky–

–It's urgent.– John waited a few seconds and Freddie opened the door.

\- Deaky, then you tell me. I don't feel very well now–

–Please Freddie,– John said pleadingly, –it's really very important.– Freddie saw the innocence in those gray eyes. He sighed and stepped aside so John would pass.

–What happened?– Freddie said as he sat on his bed. John did the same.

John bit his lip and avoided Freddie's gaze. He hadn't thought what tell him.

\- I have noticed you a acting strange - He said slowly. Freddie grumbled and rolled his eyes.

\- Again with that? - Freddie said very upset - I already told you that I'm fine.

\- Fred. You are not -

\- I have nothing wrong! - Freddie shouted. John got scared and stepped back a little. Freddie never yelled at him. - If you are coming to lecture me like the others, I invite you go out - Freddie got up and opened the door waiting for John to leave. John just saw him tense. - Aren't you going out? - John shook his head. Freddie raised his tone even more. - I'm leaving then -

John got up quickly.

\- Wait Freddie - And he grabbed his wrist. He noticed how thin this was.

-Do not touch me-

\- Freddie, you are very thin -

\- I said don't touch me! - Freddie yelled and got rid of John's grip.

\- Freddie, please. - John said almost crying - Stop all this. You are hurting yourself -

\- Get out of my room! - Freddie yelled and grabbed John by the sleeve of his sweatshirt to get him out. John was reluctant to leave, it wasn't very difficult since Freddie wasn't very strong.

When Freddie gave up he sat back on his bed, covered his face with his hands. John sat next to him.

\- Just go out - Freddie said between sobs - Leave me alone -

–Freddie ... -

\- I know I have a problem. - He looked John in the eyes. - Bu ... but I can't stop - John moved closer to Freddie to try to hug him, Freddie pulled him away. –Deaky, please. Leave me alone - This time he was already begging.

John thought about it for a moment. He couldn't leave Freddie alone in his moments of weakness.

–John, I speak seriously. I ... I need to think things over - John understood that it was best to leave his friend alone. He left the room and closed the door behind him.

Although Freddie had explicitly asked him to leave, he couldn't help feeling guilty. He wanted his friend to feel better, and he had done the opposite. John didn't want all this anxiety to consume him, he had to do something to calm down.

Without thinking he went to the kitchen and looked for something to eat.

-

–Who ate all the cookies?– Brian asked as he searched the shelves for the cookies.

None of the three answered his question. Brian sat at the table.

\- Freddie, was it you? -

–No.– Freddie replied. –You know I don't like that flavor–

\- Roger? -

\- No - He said without taking his eyes off his notebook.

–John?–John didn't answer. He just kept quiet, looking tense and avoiding the look.

\- Then you fight over your food - Freddie said as he got up - I'm going to my room.

\- Do not forget that we are leaving at six o'clock - Freddie stopped at Roger's comment. - You remember, right? The concert.-

"I had completely forgotten," Freddie thought.

–Yes, I remember.– And he went to his room.

He could not go to a concert, he still lacked much to have the appropriate body.

-

The four were already at the place of the event. Freddie was more nervous than normal. He didn't want to be in front of so many people, people who would judge him by his body, people who would make fun of him. He had no other, the others were excited for the concert, and he was not going to ruin their moment.

He felt weaker than normal; Maybe it was just anxiety. He could barely stand up.

\- Are you okay? - Roger approached. - You look sick. Well, more than usual -

\- I'm just nervous -

Roger looked at him doubtfully, but he didn't ask again, he knew Freddie wouldn't tell him anything.

After a few minutes, the boys entered the stage with the shout of the people, all but Freddie. He froze, thinking that that is not the best idea.

He took a deep breath and entered.

Upon entering the stage the screams of the people amplified, stunning Freddie. He stood in the center of the stage. Although he felt that his body was not going to endure much, he was going to give his best, what everyone expected of him; he could not disappoint them.

–Good evening!– People shouted along with him. He was going to say the name of the place but his mind was blank.

Freddie stood still without knowing what to do. He didn't remember anything, neither the songs, nor where he was, nothing. He looked like a child who had never been in the stage.

Freddie started shaking. He felt the world spinning. The people's looks made him more nervous, they talked to each other for sure they were making fun of him. He had to get out of there fast. He turned around with the intention of leaving the stage. He just collapsed on the floor.

His friends came scared to see what had happened to him.

–What happened?– Roger asked very scared.

\- It seems he just fainted - Brian replied. - Roger I need you to load him out of here. We have to go now. –John was practically crying, he knew what Freddie had and had done nothing.

Roger loaded it very easily, it was strange to notice that Freddie was very light.

Being back on stage they looked for a place to lay him.

\- Since when Freddie is so light - Roger commented by carefully leaving him in an old sofa.

\- What do you mean? - Brian asked at Roger's strange comment.

\- I mean he's very thin, it seems he doesn't eat - Brian froze at this. And he started connecting the dots.

Freddie did not eat, he was always tired and without energy, his clothes were already large, and he always looked sick. It all made sense now.

Freddie was anorexic and had not noticed.

He knew there was something strange with Freddie, he knew he was wrong; But he did nothing. He hadn't cared enough. It was all his fault if he had paid more attention to his friend, he would be fine.

\- Is something wrong, Bri? - Roger asked when he saw Brian's worried face.

\- Freddie is anorexic–


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit longer.  
Sorry if there are any mistakes.

Freddie opened his eyes slowly, the light in the room bothered him. Was he in his room? Didn't they have a concert? Freddie growled a little while trying to sit down.

–Freddie! - Brian exclaimed and hugged him - Good thing you woke up - He said while sitting at the base of the bed.

–What are we doing at home? Didn't we have a presentation?–Freddie asked, worried that he had ruined everything.

\- It was three hours ago - Brian sighed - We had to leave because you passed out. Then you woke up and when you got here you fainted again - Freddie didn't remember waking up before being at home. - Freddie, we have to talk-

\- I did not do anything wrong -

\- You did nothing - His voice was calm, without a trace of anger - I just want to ask you something. - Freddie already knew all this was coming - Do you think you're fat? -

Freddie almost answered yes, but preferred to avoid the question.

\- Why do you ask? - Freddie tried to look calm but failed.

\- You are very thin -

\- I'm not ... - Freddie fell silent immediately.

\- Freddie you have to stop, you're hurting yourself -

\- I can't - Freddie said in a whisper.

–Why?– Freddie shook his head and looked away. He couldn't tell him the whole truth, he would laugh at him for being weak. - Freddie I won't make fun of you. You know I will always help you with anything - His voice managed to reassure him and made him feel safer with Brian.

\- I can't stop because I'm not as thin as you are - Freddie started crying - I just wanted to lose some weight -

\- Why did you think you should lose weight? -

\- Because ... You always bother me when I ate. You told me about things and ... and it also thought that everyone would love me if I ... I was thinner. I thought if I stopped eating, everything would be better -

Roger was the one who made the most of that kind of comment by calling him pig, but he had sometimes commented on how much he ate.

–And when that didn't work for you ...?– Brian didn't need to finish the sentence, Freddie nodded.

\- When I saw ... that the numbers were not going down … fast, I got frustrated and hated myself more. I ... felt useless. And then ... and then a girl told me that if I vomited everything would be easier and ... and I did it. - Freddie paused - but nothing worked. I'm still fat and ugly. - Freddie covered his face with both hands and began to cry harder.

Brian came over and hugged him. Freddie hugged him back, and continued to cry in his chest.

\- I ... I just want to be perfect like you -

\- Freddie - Brian took off from Freddie and took him by the hands - You're very brave for telling me everything. I will help you, we will all help you overcome this. I ... I'm sorry I didn't realize it before–

\- I don't know if I can improve - Freddie said looking up.

\- Of course you can, any adversity you will overcome. With your family. –Freddie nodded. - The best thing now is to rest a little. See you tomorrow. - Brian got up and left the room.

When he closed the door he felt more tired than usual.

\- And how was it? - Roger approached.

\- I hope better than you. How is Deaky? -

John had had an anxiety attack when Freddie had passed out. When they were back he was calmer, but when Freddie fainted again he had another anxiety attack and locked himself in his room. While Brian was talking to Freddie, Roger had tried to reassure John from the door - since he had locked it - but he wasn't quite sure it was working.

\- I do not know. I just hope he's already gone to sleep - Brian sighed - Don't you want something to eat? - Brian accent and both went to the kitchen.

Brian sat down and Roger took out the cereal, the milk and two bowls.

\- I hope Freddie gets better soon– Brian expressed his concern for his friend. Roger left things on the table and began serving himself cereal.

–Tell him to stop.– He started serving the milk. Brian grabbed the cereal.

\- It's not that easy Roger -

\- Of course it is! - He said while he ate. - Surely he has nothing and is only acting -

\- Freddie IS sick. And we have to help him - Brian said, impressed by Roger's indifferent attitude.

\- Just tell him to stop acting. He just does it for wanting to get attention, you know how he is like–

\- Freddie would never get attention this way. Roger. He is starving, don't you understand? -

\- JUST ACTING - Roger raised his voice. Roger didn't want to change his mind. Brian was very disappointed in his friend.

The rest of the night was very uncomfortable, none spoke and did not want to touch the subject again.

The next morning Freddie got up with some difficulty. He put on his running clothes to do his daily routine.

When he left his room he saw his friends at the dining room table.

\- Good morning Fred - Brian said quietly.

\- Good Morning -

\- Why don't you come to have breakfast with us? I already prepared your breakfast - He said with a smile.

\- No thanks. I'm not hungry -

\- Fred, please. Come eat with us. It will do you good - Freddie sighed. Maybe he could eat some food.

\- Okay - Brian smiled. And Freddie sat at the table.

Breakfast was different for him and the others. While the others had breakfast pancakes and juice, he had a glass of water and toast with butter; something light.

While John had already started eating, Roger and Brian were expectant that Freddie will start eating.

Freddie looked with fear at the toast. He could only imagine how many calories he would have and how he was going to get them out of his body.

\- Come on Fred. - Brian tried to encourage his friend.

Freddie sighed and grabbed the little courage he had to grab one of the toast and bite it; A small bite, then he chew and chew; he couldn't let that get to his stomach.

The three looked at him very carefully what he was going to do. He could not swallow the food. He couldn't take it anymore and grabbed a napkin to spit out the bite. The three looked impressed.

\- Why don't we try again? - Brian tried to support his friend.

\- I won't eat that! - Freddie exclaimed.

He got up from the table and left the apartment.

\- How dramatic - Roger said sarcastically - See what I say? - He said to Brian - He just wants attention. So much drama for a toast -

\- This is not easy for him. It is not simply eating. - Brian said trying to reason with Roger.

\- I got tired of all this. - He said as he got up - I'm going to smoke -

\- Can you go for Freddie? -

\- No - He grabbed his pack of cigarettes from the living room and left.

Brian got up from the table but not to go after him, but to go to his room; leaving John alone. It only needed clearing his head a little.

Upon entering his room he grabbed his guitar, lay down on the bed and began to play. That was always something that relaxed him and let him think better.

He needed to help Freddie but Roger didn't do his part, he had to make him understand Freddie's condition. He had to talk more seriously with him, which would be difficult because of Roger's explosive personality.

He wanted to help Freddie feel better about himself. He was afraid that he could not help him and that Freddie would end ... I didn't even want to think about that, what would happen if Freddie didn't start eating.

He thought he could go to a psychiatric hospital, but he didn't want to leave him alone. That would be the last option, only if Freddie doesn't improve.

He felt a strange emptiness in his stomach, at first he thought it was only his feelings but then he remembered that he had not eaten anything. He put his guitar aside and got out of bed.

In the living room John was sleeping on the couch and his stomach was making strange noises, when he entered the kitchen he knew why.

Brian had left the breakfast of the four in the kitchen and now everything was gone - probably in John's stomach - both Freddie and Roger left the house without having eaten, and Brian had gone to his room to clear his head and had forgotten eat.

That John had eaten the food of four people was nothing good.

-

When Freddie left the house he went to the only person who could help him. Jim.

He lived about ten blocks away, but he didn't even bother to take the bus. The only thing he regretted was not going out with a jacket; even when the morning was sunny he was freezing.

When he finally reached his new friend's apartment, he knocked on the door and waited for him to open.

Jim opened and Freddie quickly hugged him.

\- I'm glad to see you too - Jim said.

Jim was the only one he could trust. He had visited him every day at work and soon became good friends. He was the first to who he confessed his problem.

–Can I pass? - Freddie asked when he separated from him.

\- Em ... Yes, of course. - He said with a smile.

The boy's apartment was small, even more than Freddie's, but he didn't care, while he was with Jim he was happy.

Freddie sat on the couch and Jim did the same.

–Did something happen?– Jim asked.

\- I fought with my friends - Freddie replied. - They forced me to eat–

\- They didn't do it with bad intention, they care a lot about you. -

\- I know - Freddie said frustrated - It's just ... everyone was watching me while trying to eat. And I thought they would start bothering me again -

\- Then you just got nervous - Freddie nodded.

\- That's why I don't like to eat with people. I feel they judge me in silence, and make fun of me for being a pig. - He paused - And I don't eat alone because I know I'm going to binge and then I'll return everything. -

–If you ate alone with me, do you think you could?–Jim asked doubtfully.

\- I don't know - Freddie shrugged - Maybe -

\- Then we go for something to eat - Before Freddie said something Jim was already dragging him into the kitchen - What do you want to eat? I can prepare you a soup, chicken, a salad ...–

\- A salad would be fine - Freddie said thinking that it had fewer calories.

Jim smiled and began to prepare their food. He knew that it could be difficult for Freddie to eat something, he had already lived it, but he would do everything possible to help him.

On one occasion he had invited him to his house to eat, Freddie had gladly gone. When Jim was eating, he couldn't help noticing that Freddie didn't touch his food, he just played with it, moving it from side to side. When Jim asked if his food was bad, Freddie said no and started eating. When he was half of his plate he got up quickly and went to the bathroom. It took a few minutes and when he came back he was already crying and that was when he told him all about his problem. His stomach had not been able to withstand the food and everything returned. That had already happened twice with Jim.

Jim was hoping he could eat something this time.

When he finished preparing, he served each one on a plate; Freddie was served only a small portion as for a child. It was a simple salad with lettuce, cucumber, tomato and tuna, he didn't want to put on dressing because he didn't know if Freddie could hold on.

The two sat down and Jim started eating. He saw that Freddie was just playing with food again. Jim came up with an idea for Freddie to eat. He grabbed a bite of his food.

\- Argh ... - He said with a grimace, and Freddie looked at him scared.

\- Jim? -

\- God no ... - Jim ignored him and continued making faces.

\- What happened? -

\- The food ... is poisoned - He said in an exaggerated way pretending to die.

Freddie understood Jim's joke and started laughing. Jim thought Freddie had the purest smile he had ever seen.

\- It's not true - Freddie said playfully - it has nothing -

\- As you know? You haven't even tried it - He said with a challenging smile. Freddie grabbed some of the food and put it in his mouth.

\- You see? It has nothing - Freddie said when he finished his bite.

It took Freddie almost an hour to finish his meal, but he did it. Jim accompanied him at all times - despite having finished long before him - he always tried to distract him so he wouldn't think so much about what he was eating.

When Freddie finished eating, Jim dedicated himself to cleaning the dishes, but he noticed Freddie's disgusted face - he was probably thinking about what he had just eaten - he had to keep him from vomiting.

\- What do you think if we watch something on TV? - Jim proposed.

\- Em ... Yes -

Both went to the living room to watch television. They ended up watching cartoons - since it was the only interesting thing - Freddie was slightly recharged on Jim and avoided contact at all costs. Freddie knew Jim liked him - although he had never told him - but how not to know if it was quite noticeable; He always cared for him and saw a certain spark in his eyes every time he spoke. Although Freddie still didn't explain why Jim liked him, but he liked him too.

\- Jim? - He called his friend's attention.

–yes? - Jim said as smiling as always.

– You like me, right? - Freddie asked without seeing him in the face. Jim said nothing, just kept silent without knowing what to say. Jim opened his mouth as if to say something but closed it again.

\- Em ... Well ... - Jim began to babble without knowing what to say. He still didn't want to confess his feelings.

–Why do you like me ? - Freddie asked doubtful of his words.

Jim was less prepared for that question. He just felt his face burn.

\- I don't even know where to start - He thought for a moment - You're ... the most beautiful person I've ever seen - He said looking Freddie straight in the eyes. Freddie blushed when he heard this, very few people had told him that, in fact he didn't think he was attractive.

\- That is not true. Tell that to my friends, I'm not beautiful - Jim was impressed with Freddie's comment.

\- Of course you are beautiful! Tell me that, I am very generic; instead you are very attractive and ... and ... if someone made you think otherwise they are idiots; Surely they were just jealous of how beautiful you are - Freddie smiled shyly, not very convinced of what Jim said. - Freddie ... Do you know what I like most about you? - Freddie shook his head. Jim's voice was soft and sweet - Your eyes ... you may think they are ugly because they are dark ... but they are the most dazzling ... - He gently touched Freddie's cheek. - eyes I've seen. They are always ... full of ... passion and love.

\- Do you love me even if I have an ugly body? - Freddie grabbed Jim's hand.

\- Of course I love you - He kissed Freddie's hand gently - Your value as a person is not determined by your weight - Freddie smiled at this, maybe Jim was the one.

\- Although I'm fat will you still love me? -

\- Although you weigh a two hundred pounds I will love you - Jim kissed Freddie's forehead gently.

Maybe really everything would be fine for Freddie. Maybe he was finally going to be loved.

-

Brian was circling the room because of his concern. Freddie had left early in the morning and it was already getting dark. Brian had just gone to look for him since Roger didn't want to help him and John had a stomach ache. He had searched the park and its surroundings but had not found him anywhere, he had no idea where he could be. The sound of the door distracted him. Finally Freddie had arrived!

\- Freddie! - Brian approached him - Where were you? Are you okay? - He didn't sound angry, but rather worried.

\- Yes, I'm fine - Freddie closed the door behind him - I was with a friend -

\- Sorry if we made you feel uncomfortable, we just want the best for you -

\- Don't worry - Freddie said playing down - Still, it would been difficult for me to have eaten something -

\- That's ... not good - Brian sighed - But if you prefer you can eat it with only one of us.

\- Yes ... I think that would be better - There was a short moment of silence - Is Deaky okay? - Freddie asked about his friend, Freddie knew him very well and knew that he was probably very anxious about all this.

Brian didn't want to tell him the truth, Freddie already had a lot of weight under his shoulders and didn't want to distress any more. John was not well. He had been eating to calm his nerves. Brian had tried to stop him from getting hurt, but he failed. At that moment John was in his room, with a stomach ache.

\- He's in his room - Brian replied - It would be best to talk to him. You know he loves you very much and cares a lot about you.–

\- Yes, I'll go with him - Freddie went to John's room and knocked softly on the door.

When he received no response, he slowly opened the door. All he found was John sleeping with several wraps around the floor, it seemed that his room had not been cleaned in a couple of days; which was strange John was very neat. Freddie left the room, then he would talk to him.

What he didn't know was that those wraps were from the time he was away.


	7. Chapter 7

It had been two months and Freddie wasn't getting any better. He could walk without getting dizzy which was a breakthrough. Brian made him eat with him at least once a day. He tried not to force his friend and make him feel uncomfortable, but there were still days where Freddie couldn't eat more than a piece of bread.

There were rules - evidently - to make sure Freddie ate. He had to eat at least once a day with one of them and had to stay in the apartment an hour after eating. They also prevented Freddie from exercising so much. Freddie complained but that didn't change anything, Brian had to be tough on him to make sure everything would be better for his friend. At first Freddie refused to eat and constantly fought with them.

Also his relationship with Jim advanced a little to the point where they already started dating - unofficially. With Jim it was the only place where he felt safe. Jim also helped him eat a little but he didn't always make it. Jim reminded him every day how beautiful he was and how much he loved him, and made him feel a little better but as soon as he returned to his room he remembered how ugly he was. There were days where Freddie wanted to shout and tear his skin, stop being him but he always hid it under a smile; He could not afford to show his insecurities, at least no more than what he had already done.

Freddie also learned what John had. John seemed normal but he was eating too much, he had always had a sweet tooth but now it seemed that he spent all his time eating sweet things. John had also gained a bit of weight, not much for others to notice, but Freddie was obsessed with the weight he noticed. Even some nights when Freddie couldn't sleep, he listened to John in the kitchen, but he never found evidence. In one morning he decided to ask Brian.

\- Yes, it seems that John has ... - Brian paused a moment to find the right words - a binge eating disorder. You didn't find anything ... - Brian continued - because he always hid the wraps, but I found everything a few weeks ago -

Freddie felt bad for John. Jonh didn't look so different, but surely it was just his anxiety about Freddie's situation.

\- I'm sorry - Freddie ducked his head - This is my fault. -

\- It's not your fault - Brian tried to comfort him - We all have problems -

\- I have to help him -

\- No Fred. I know you have good intentions but you have to focus on your own problems. I'll take care of John -

\- But I have to do it -

\- John doesn't want to bother you with his stuff -

\- How do you know? -

\- He told me -

Freddie felt a little jealous. John always told him his problems, he was like his older brother.

\- When I discovered it, he had no choice but to tell me. At first he denied it but once I found him in the kitchen at midnight and that was when he told me everything–

\- What did he say? -

\- Not much. Just enough to know what he had. He told me that even though he wasn't hungry, he ate until his stomach ached ... he didn't tell me why - He got up - I leave you. I have class. -

And he simply left, leaving Freddie with his guilt. He knew that this was not his fault, that it was just how John was dealing with things, but that didn't stop him from feeling that everything was because he was there. Because he existed.  
He got up from his seat and headed to John's room. Before he knocked on the door he paused a moment, he felt strange, now he was in the same position as John a few months ago. He would face him now. Freddie knocked on the door.

\- I'm coming,- John spoke from inside. Freddie listened how John tried to hide something before opening the door. It sounded like a wrap - What's up? - Now Freddie didn't know how to tell him his concern.

\- Don't you want to… play some music? - It was the first thing that occurred to him. John looked at his room before letting Freddie pass.

In the room John took out his bass and sat on his bed, and Freddie did the same. John only played songs without thinking too much; but Freddie didn't do anything, he wanted to talk seriously with him.

\- I ... I've noticed you acting weird - Finally Freddie said. John did not look up and continued to play as if nothing happened- You ... have been eating a lot. - Freddie watched as tears began to accumulate in John's eyes. - That ... is not healthy ... You know? - "God, why am I so mean talking?" Freddie thought.

\- Can you tell me? - John stopped playing and looked at him in the eyes - It's not even that bad -

\- Just ... it's not healthy. It can give you ... I don´t know ... a heart attack or something - Freddie said slowly. He was not a doctor or anything but he knew that obesity could be dangerous.

\- I don't think you're the best to talk to me about eating habits - John said rudely.

Auch

\- We both have problems ... and we have to solve them -

\- Where do you want to go with all this? - John didn't sound the same, now he spoke rudely. Freddie bit his lip.

\- What do you think if ... we make a deal? - Freddie had no idea what he was doing. John looked at him confused without knowing what he meant - We both have problems with food. I ... I don't eat - It took a lot of work to say that - And you eat a lot. Maybe if we eat together ... it will help us ... with our problem. To eat normal proportions - John looked at the floor, not quite sure what Freddie was proposing. - If you eat ... I eat. And vice versa.-

\- I think ... it would be fine - John said with a small smile.

\- Then it's a deal - Freddie extended his hand and John shook it.

As soon as they closed the deal, Freddie regretted coming with John.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´ve decided to finish this.  
This chapter is a little bit shorter but meh.
> 
> Two chapters.
> 
> (The next chapter may be longer)

Both Freddie and John kept their promise for the next three days. Both had problems with three meals a day.

Freddie could barely consume his three meals, although his portions were still very small; sometimes it could take up to an hour to finish, always with John's company that never made him feel uncomfortable. John felt hungry all the time since he was not allowed to eat between meals and without bingeing, although he always ate too much and Freddie had to stop him, that was part of the deal. And John had to push him a little if he didn't eat enough although he never liked to do it.

Although Freddie was already eating a little more the guilt in each bite did not disappear. It was persistent. All this thoughts tormented his head every time he faced the food; He wanted to cry and scream but he had to do it for John. He could not let him down.

One day Freddie was in his room when John shyly approached the door frame.

\- Freddie? - It looked like John was about to cry.

\- Everything is alright? - Freddie asked worried about his friend.

\- It's just ... I'm hungry - He said almost inaudible looking at the floor.

\- Only that? - Freddie that all this eating "correctly" was giving John a bad play. Although John was still eating more than usual, his mind probably made him think he was hungry - Don´t about it. It´ll pass - Freddie said, giving it less importance.

\- Freddie, I´m serious. I'm very hungry - he said almost pleading.

\- Give me a moment - Freddie left his room and went to the kitchen. He had to do something to try to calm his friend. He opened the refrigerator and took out an apple; the biggest by compassion and returned to his room where John was still standing.

He gave the apple to John, he just watched it.

\- Freddie ... are you serious? - John said sadly.

\- If you are hungry you will eat it -  
  
John kept watching the apple and finally started eating. John finished eating the apple in less than two minutes and threw the center in the trash can.

\- Freddie ... I'm still hungry - Tears began to flow down John's face. It hurt Freddie to see John like that, but he couldn't do anything else.

\- John, come, talk to me - Freddie said, he had to distract John a little.

\- Freddie ... - John was still crying he couldn't even talk but finally he approached Freddie and hugged him. Freddie stroked her hair to try to reassure him.

\- Why are you crying? -

\- Because I'm hungry - John said between sobs.

\- It's not just that, right? -

\- And I'm pathetic - John let out another sob - It's only been three days -

John felt sick with himself. He had tried not to eat too much, and although he had succeeded - up to a point - but he couldn't help feeling hungry. He felt pathetic because he had to go with his friend to avoid a binge.

\- But you came to me - Freddie said sweetly trying to comfort John - That's the important thing -

They stayed like that for a moment, John was crying less and less, but he kept sobbing.

\- Why are you still crying, is there anything else you want to tell me? -

\- I'm ... tired - John said finally.

////////

The next morning Freddie got up and found that John was with his back to him and continued sleeping. Freddie somehow felt good that needed his help. He knew he had to solve his own problems but he also wanted to help his friend.

Freddie saw that it was barely nine o'clock so he decided to get up for water, then return by John to have breakfast together.  
Upon entering the kitchen Roger was found serving himself some cereal.

Since Freddie had started with his problem, Roger and him had not spoken. Before this they used to be very close but now Freddie avoided Roger at all costs.

\- Good morning, Freddie - Roger said shyly - How have you been? - For Roger it was a very uncomfortable situation, he really didn't know what to talk to Freddie about. Brian had warned him not to touch the subject of Freddie's diet or his thinness very much.

\- Amm ... Better ... - Freddie grabbed a glass - I guess ... - He poured some water -

\- Well ... - Roger touched Freddie in the shoulder - Keep it up ... - That situation couldn't be more awkward. There was a silence that lasted too long until Brian entered and greeted them both.

Then Brian prepared breakfast and the four ate together. Everyone laughed and talked like in the old days; Before all this mess.

When they finished breakfast they went to the studio and recorded.  
After so many months, Freddie felt happy.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided that this chapter Will be divided in two or maybe three parts.

The weeks kept going and Freddie was ... fine. He had managed to gain some weight; he didn't know how much exactly since Brian had the scale confiscated. Freddie also had a slight suspicion that John managed to binge (but not at home), John was still gaining weight but Freddie really didn't know how to tell his friend to stop.

Freddie still didn't improve enough and that worried his friends a lot. Freddie ate but was not well. Freddie could not live that way, with constant headaches and pain in the bones, cold, with a weak body.Brian had no other choice, that was the best for Freddie.

Freddie had just left his room in the morning and headed to the dining room where his three friends were sitting. They don't look happy at all, in fact they looked sad.

\- Freddie, - Brian spoke quietly - We have to talk - Freddie sat down without really knowing if he had done something wrong. - The point is that ... we have thought about it for a while and I think it is best for you ... to go to a rehabilitation center - Freddie said nothing. - You'll start going from this Saturday; I need you to pack your stuff. - Everyone was silent waiting for a reaction from Freddie. - 

\- A rehabilitation center? - Freddie finally said - I'm not crazy - He said coldly.

-It's not a center for "crazy" people... it's for people ... with eating disorders-Brian said.

\- I'm not going - Freddie said very upset. Who did Brian think he was to tell him what was best for him? Brian didn't know ABSOLUTELY anything about how he felt. Freddie didn't need anyone's help. He was well. He was already eating the minimum necessary and with that he had enough, nothing more.

\- Freddie please listen ... -

\- I said ... I WILL NOT GO! - Freddie yelled and hit the table scaring others -

\- Freddie, you're not well - Brian tried to reason with Freddie but he got up from his seat.

\- I'm fine! - Freddie screamed again and hit the table. - I'm already eating. That is enough -

\- No, that is not enough. Your body is ... - Before he could finish Freddie was already screaming again.

\- I'm fine! - Tears began to accumulate in Freddie's eyes.

\- Do you want to stop exaggerating everything? - Roger spoke - It's not that bad - That boiled Freddie's blood.

\- It's not that bad. It's not that bad. Why do you say that if everything is your fault! - 

\- What are you talking about? - Roger asked - I haven't done anything -

\- Ah ... Now you pretend you don't know anything. You do not remember? All the times you insulted me. Every time you bother me while I ate. - Roger looked scared as if he didn't know what Freddie was talking about - I did all this for you! - Freddie was breathing heavily and felt his heart beating fast a moment and slowly at another.

\- Freddie, - Brian got up - Please calm down -

\- I'm not going to calm down! - Freddie walked out of the dining room until he felt someone was taking him by the wrist, it was John; he hadn't done anything in all this time. John looked at him with his pleading eyes. - Don't touch me - Freddie abruptly removed his arm. 

Freddie saw John's hurt face but at that point he didn't care about anything; he just wanted to take off with someone all his feelings, all that negativity and hatred that he had for months.

\- You're fatter and uglier than me. You're disgusting, don't you get it? -

\- Don't talk that way - Brian tried to intervene - You have to calm down -Freddie said nothing. Brian tried to touch him but he didn't let him. 

He had already begun, and now he was going to finish it. If they hated him, he would give them a reason.

\- Everyone is disgusted by you - Freddie said, looking at John. Who looked at him with wide eyes - The only thing that interests them is how useful you are, do you think you are useful? - John kept looking at him trying not to cry, and failing.

Brian froze, not knowing what to do, looking at the youngest. Brian blinked and stood in the middle of Freddie and John, trying to separate them.

\- Don't get into this - Freddie practically spit the words with poison - I don't want to know anything about you -Freddie left the apartment and slammed the door, leaving his perplexed companions, not knowing what to do.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there

Freddie walked through the cold streets of London with tears in his eyes.  
So many thoughts tormented his head about everything that had just happened.  
He regretted yelling at John, he sure hated him now more than before.  
He also thought about Brian's decision to send him to a rehabilitation center. Who did he think he was? Making decisions for him. Freddie knew what he needed, he didn't take any of that, he was fine. He wasn't crazy.

He finally arrived at the place he was looking for. He knocked on the door and nothing; He knocked again and finally Jim opened the door. Jim looked like he had run a little to reach the door.

\- Sorry ... - Jim stopped seeing Freddie's tears and irregular breathing - What happened? - Freddie shook his head, unable to speak - Come in - Jim moved for Freddie to enter, and he did so.

Freddie collapsed on the couch, covered his face with his hands and continued to cry. Jim came over and tried to hug him but Freddie pulled away, he needed his space. Jim waited for Freddie to calm down a bit so he could know what was wrong.

\- What happened? - Jim asked after a while.

\- I fought with my friends - Freddie said slowly.

Silence. Before Jim could say anything Freddie spoke again.  
\- I got angry and ... I yelled at them - Freddie wiped away his tears - I told them things I would never say - More silence. - They wanted to send me to a rehabilitation center and ... I don't want to -

Jim wanted Freddie to be happy, and they couldn't force him to do something he didn't want, but that was the best for Freddie. Since they had met Jim was very concerned about Freddie's thinness, and was doing everything possible to help him. Jim didn't want to hurt his beloved's feelings but it was better to tell him a truth even if it hurt.

\- Freddie ... - He looked at him with his eyes full of tears, Jim hurt to see him like this - I think it's the best for you - Freddie looked disappointed.

\- You think I'm crazy? - Freddie didn't sound angry but rather sad.

\- No - Jim spoke sweetly and moved closer to him to hug him; this time Freddie allowed it - You're not crazy, you're ... - Jim didn't want to say it - sick and you have to heal yourself so you can live happily -

Freddie said nothing and continued to huddle in the arms of his beloved crying inconsolably; Jim just gently stroked her hair to reassure him.

\- I don't want to go - Freddie said between tears after a few minutes.

\- Why not? - Jim asked.

\- I ... just want to disappear and stop suffering -

\- Freddie, don't say that. -

\- It's true. I just want to die and stop being a nuisance to others - Jim didn't know how to respond to this. He had to be very careful with his words.

\- Wouldn't you be able to ... - Jim didn't even have the guts to finish that sentence. I didn't want to imagine a life without Freddie.

\- No, I would never do it; I am a coward to do it. Just ... sometimes I wish I had never been born - An awkward silence that felt like hours, until Jim spoke.

\- If you go to the rehabilitation center, you will stop suffering - He said trembling with his words and afraid of the answer. Freddie thought about it for a moment.

\- I don't want to go because I'll be alone -

\- You are afraid -

\- Yes; I'm afraid of not being with you. I'm afraid I can never get out of there and youforget about me. - Jim pondered Freddie's answer for a moment - I'm afraid of never being able to recover and live like this all my life -

\- I will never leave you alone. I will accompany you in everything that happens-

\- Do you promise? - Freddie looked up. Jim saw those beautiful dark eyes.

\- I promise -

////

Brian didn't know what to do after Freddie was gone. Freddie had never behaved that way with them; They had only fought a little for the food but he had never insulted them, and less to John, who was very fond of him.

After a few seconds of thinking he came out for him. But as always he didn't find him anywhere.  
He didn't want to go home with the others. He kept walking down the street without knowing what to do.  
He never thought that Freddie would react that way, he believed that Freddie would be better if he went to a rehabilitation center, maybe it would be but first he had to convince him to go.

This whole situation felt so strange. Brian believed that it was all his fault." If only I had paid more attention. If I were a best friend, Freddie would be fine. He would not be sick."

It had been several hours before he decided to return to the apartment. As he climbed up the stairs he saw Freddie outside the apartment sitting. It was strange that Freddie did not enter the apartment.

He approached carefully so as not to alter it and sat beside him. Freddie didn't even turn to see him.

\- So you decided to come back - Brian said to try to get Freddie's attention, he kept staring at the wall indefinitely. - I ... I'm sorry. - Freddie did not react- I know that all this is very difficult for you but ... we care a lot about you and we really want you to be happy -

\- I'm not going - It was the only thing Freddie answered. Brian at this point did not know what to do to convince his friend to go to the rehabilitation center - At least not yet - That gave Brian some hope - It's just ... I still don't feel prepared for that -

\- But how long until you want to go? - For Brian, the most important thing was that Freddie went to rehabilitation as soon as possible. He really didn't want to wait for Freddie to decide but he didn't want to force him. Freddie shrugged at Brian's question.

\- I just have to think about it a bit - And he didn't say anything else. He didn't want to tell him why he still didn't want to go.

Brian sighed. He did not insist more.

\- You don't want to enter? - Brian asked.

\- No - Freddie replied - I can't face others. Not after what I said -

\- You should talk to them. That would make things better. - Freddie shook his head. - If I enter before, do you enter later? - Freddie turned to see him and nodded slightly.

Brian gave him a small smile and rose from his place. He entered the apartment and found John in the living room watching television while eating some cookies. Brian greeted him and John was still in his trance. He tried again to get his attention and he kept ignoring it.

Brian was surprised until he saw the different boxes and wraps on the sofa. John had no trace of crying, it would be a good thing, if not because he seemed to have been eating all the time he was away. He had to stop him but in those moments of stress and anxiety after everything that had happened with Freddie his only comfort was food. Brian had neither the heart nor the courage to take away his only comfort. He bit his lip, he would talk to Roger, then take care of John.

Brian went to Roger's room, assuming he was in the house, and knocked softly on the door.

\- Go away! - Roger shouted from inside.

\- Roger, I'm Bri. We need to talk -

Roger opened the door a little, revealing his face.

\- What do you want? - Roger said rudely.

\- I need you to fix things with Freddie -

\- Freddie hates me. He doesn't want to see me, much less talk -

\- Why do you think Freddie hates you? - For Brian, Roger's comment was strange. Freddie was always Roger's best friend, maybe they weren't as close as before for all this mess, but Brian was almost sure Freddie still loved him very much.

\- All this is my fault - Roger said it with a visible pain in his words - He is dying because of me - Before Brian could say anything, Roger continued - I remember all the times I bothered him while he ate or bothered him for his body. He asked me to stop and I never did it because I am a FUCKING STUPID who doesn't know how to shut up - The latter said it screaming for all the rage he had. Brian was shocked at the revelation of his friend.

\- Roger ... - Brian spoke again - This is not your fault -

\- Then whose is it? - Roger was very rude.

\- From no one. This is neither your fault nor mine nor Freddie's - Brian spoke sweetly - All we can do is support him to improve - Roger said nothing - I need you to support me Rog - Brian pleaded - Do it for Freddie -

Roger hesitated for a moment. He wanted to help his friend but during all the time he learned about Freddie's condition he had done nothing. Maybe it was a good time to rectify what he had done wrong.

\- It's okay. I will help you -


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter left.

Brian was glad of Roger's decision, and smiled slightly. Now he had to go for Freddie and fix things with John.

When Brian passed through the room John was no longer there but the television was still on.

He opened the door a little and Freddie was still in the hall without moving an inch.

\- Freddie - Brian spoke to his friend - You can pass - Freddie at first did not move, then got up with difficulty and entered the apartment with a look towards the floor; not wanting to face his other friends.

As soon as he entered the apartment, Roger was in the living room waiting for his arrival. Roger approached, he wanted to apologize but the words didn't come from his lips, he didn't even know where to start.

\- I ... I'm sorry - He was silent waiting for some reaction from Freddie but he kept waiting for him to continue with his apology - I wanted to pretend everything was fine with you, but now I realize it's not true. I'm sorry I made you feel bad, I'm really sorry. It's just that ... I'm an idiot who doesn't know how to shut up - Roger avoided Freddie's gaze, he didn't want to see it in his eyes.

\- I know you weren't serious when you bothered me, that you were just playing - Freddie spoke - It's not your fault, none of this - Freddie smiled a little at Roger to see that they were on good terms.

Roger moved closer and hugged him tightly. Freddie did the same.

He was really glad to have recovered his friend.

Their moment was interrupted by a noice.

Everyone turned to see what it was, it was only John who had tripped over a chair.

\- Do ... don't worry about me. I ... I'm leaving - John spoke with a lot of insecurity; he feared he would have ruined Freddie and Roger's moment.

\- Wait - Freddie stopped him before he left. John looked at him with his gray eyes - I ... I want to apologize. - John looked at him confused - For how I talked to you. It wasn't me at that moment and I understand that you hate me more, I ... forgiveq| me -

John walked to be closer to Freddie. John showed no emotion. Freddie expected the worst; He expected John to yell at him, hit him, any kind of negative reaction. Nothing prepared him for what came.

John rushed towards Freddie and hugged. Freddie almost lost his balance at the surprise.

\- I forgive you - John sounded that he was about to cry.- I want you to be well ... I want you to recover ... I don't want to lose you - John was already crying.

Freddie finally realized: the great love his friends had for him. They could fight, they could scream, but they were always there for anything they needed; his friends always accompany him in good times and bad times, just as he always did; because that's what the family was for.

\- Don't worry, Deaky - Freddie spoke softly - I'll be fine -

///

Freddie was at what he wanted so badly to avoid, at what terrified him so much. He had no choice, that was best for him if he wanted to improve, if he wanted to be happy in his own body.

The rehabilitation center looked like a completely normal brick house, but still it looked creepy to him.

\- Is everything good Freddie? - Jim touched his shoulder lightly - We have to say goodbye, there's not much time -

Freddie stopped looking at the house and turned to see his friends and boyfriend. He didn't want to leave, he didn't want to be alone.

Jim hugged him and kissed his cheek. When they parted he could appreciate again those bright dark eyes that he loved so much.

John approached Freddie shyly. When Freddie noticed his presence he quickly surrounded him with his arms.

\- Don't forget us - Roger said sarcastically and joined them just like Brian and Jim.  
Who knows how long that hug lasted but Freddie didn't want it to end. He wanted to last like this forever, surrounded by the people he loved most.

When they finished Freddie grabbed his suitcase and walked to the entrance of the place where a nurse was waiting for him. Before entering he turned back to find that his family was still there, waiting for everything to be fine for him.6


End file.
